Lather the Fat

This morning I woke up pretty late; late enough to leave the house with sopping wet hair in twenty degree temperature; late enough to not even think about getting on the scale-its good that I'm not obsessed, I guess. By the time I returned home it was two in the afternoon; late enough to not get on the scale. "Whew, I was saved", I thought. "I'll just weigh in tomorrow morning" like I have done lots of times over the past months.

When I finally returned home again with the kids after 6 and with no real dinner plan (Big Red Flag for me), I started grazing, picking, shoveling in anything I could get my hands on. Husband, aka the Food Nazi, wasn't home. Uh oh, I needed to use a lifeline, so I chose Phone A Friend. The friend, after knowing me for a lifetime, immediately detected my unsettled tone in between munches. She rapidly fired the questions: Where is B? Not home. Where are the boys? Upstairs getting changed. Where are you? Downstairs. Then came the instructions/advice: "OK, immediately go upstairs and brush your teeth. Chewing that Extra sugar free gum doesn't help." (She must have somehow forgotten that as part of my complex neuroses that I DO NOT chew gum....PERIOD! This is a result of years of recurrent nightmares involving gum getting stuck to my fillings and me never being able to pull the gum free from my big mouth. Ultimately, I choke. Shivers run up and down my spine when I see some of the preschool moms chewing like cows and making those loud gum smacking sounds. This however, could be a topic for a separate posting, I suppose.)

She continued..."brush your teeth immediately, get upstairs then brush your teeth then go do something different like taking a warm shower." I said: "taking a shower is NOT something DIFFERENT for me, I do it every day!" (again, dear friend was a bit off tonight and must have forgotten that I am now a rehabilitated OVERSHOWERER and EXCESSIVEHAIRWASHER. Many of you old timers know that I had a showering several times a day year round problem. Despite what it sounds like....I assure you I do not have OCD.) She said "I know, but go take a shower and lather up....feel your soapy hands running up and down the fat, lather the fat!" "OK, I don't want to feel the fat", I yelled. "Exactly" she said. "It will motivate you" she continued. I answered "The Biggest Loser motivates me and I didn't get to see it last night, so I'm gonna let the boys watch TV in my room and start watching it now" She told me that a contestant reminded her of me. She went home for 30 days and only lost 2 pounds! We then ended our conversation and she once again reminded me to go lather my fat. I was so enraged and disgusted by the suggestion of "lather your fat" that I couldn't concentrate on watching my show. Instead I got pissed off and ran to the computer to start this rant of a blog. So, I stopped snacking and am away from the kitchen but I won't lather the fat. Thanks dear friend, thanks a lot. I'm not weighing in tomorrow.

"Someone saved my life tonight. So save your strength and run the field you play alone."
-Elton John