Sleight of Hand.....

Yes, it's been over a month since I have blogged. You know I'm rule breaker; break taker! So, my weight is about the same....yeah, yeah, blah, blah.

This week I have consumed myself with utter nonsense to take my mind off the fact that my "baby" is graduating preschool on Friday. I have been in denial even though I thought I didn't DO denial. I have succeeded in annoying 272 of my nearest and dearest friends with Spam. OK, so maybe they were actually some friends, some family, some aquaintances, some friends of friends, some home improvement people, some nursery school parents, some elementary school parents, some professional colleagues, some human resources people, some Avon Walk for Breast Cancer people, some theater tickets people, some weight loss website people, some people that I intentionally lost touch with, and one all-too-quick to respond ex-boyfriend. It was nice to know that the plumbing supply lady, the painter I never hired, and, of course, the ex-boyfriend were lured in my invitation to view photos. I can't blame them since I was suckered too, which is how the whole mess started. My apologies to all.

The silly situation actually put me into some state of panic. On the surface, I'm the outgoing, talkative, laugh when I'm a little nervous type. However, one false slip of the hand on my keyboard made me realize that I'm actually in hiding, in a way. I felt my pressure rise when I thought that all these people might have mistaken an online hoax for me attempting to reach out and resurface in their lives. I really flipped out a little bit. On some level I believe that catching up equals pain. There goes my "I'm too cool for social networking websites" cover. Oh well. Must be eating my way through my unresloved issues. Psycho-babble cliches in the movies have taught me that I may not be able to lose the weight until I unburden myself of the "weight of the world" on my shoulders. In this case, what am I hiding from? I'm not reinventing the wheel here but perhaps I will explore this some more. I also REALLY need to clean up my computer. Once again, I'm any psychologist's wet dream.

"Sleight of hand and twist of fate, on a bed of nails she makes me wait."
-U2

Shred

I have shredded 1.8 pounds this week. I started doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD and would recommend it for those of you who are looking for a whole body, high intensity workout that is done with in 20 minutes. I highly advise, not to attempt quad stretches in the shower as you will most definitely fall flat on your naked ass like I did and sport a purple welt on the right cheek.

I am "ickified" by eating meat this week. I periodically go through these phases. It happened at age 10 on Thanksgiving when my mother was preparing the turkey. I cried my eyes out and protested eating it that one year. Now, it's just listening to my body more than the animal lover motivation (all though I almost cried about the pig slaughter in Egypt last week too). So, this week I'm trying out a semi-vegetarian lifestyle. Do not call me a hypocrite if you see me downing a hot dog at a summer BBQ, I'm just making an effort to cut back on eating animal flesh. If anyone has great meat-free recipes that they love, please share.

"I think I was immediately fed, so food became a very important part of my life."
-Dom DeLuise

blah blah blah

It's been a few weeks since I've written anything. My weight is up 2.8 pounds. My head is a bit of a mess. I have lacked focus and discipline since Passover in the beginning of the month. Worse yet, I have been bingeing today. I'm sabbatoging myself, again! I deliberately went out of my way to eat the wrong things today instead of going about my usual business. I struggle with the belief that people can change; while I want to believe that it is possible, deep down-I don't.

I watched BL last night and it really does help rev up my motivation. I'm not sure then, why I had such a disastrous morning today. Kirstie Alley is on Oprah today. I think I'll tape it. She's big again. For me, it's like staring at a car wreck, I just can't help it.

"We decide the course of our tomorrows by the choices we make today. If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice."
-unknown random indecisive dieter.

Skids

This week I choose to "PASS OVER" this topic!

In 8 and a half years of Molly ownership, this is a first. My dog used my lap as Charmin! Just like the trick on that dumb carpet cleaning commercial when the dog drags it's dirty butt across the living room carpet. I just had to run up and change my skid marked clothing. It sums up the kind of week it's been!

"Look Mom, look at Toby's new trick!"
-dumb kid from dumb commercial

Tom Foolery

This week I gained 6 pounds......April Fool's!!! I am really down .6 pounds.

I love this holiday, always have, and my eldest son has followed suit. He woke up this morning with a pretend injury, a joke involving a fake turd, and used costumes, glasses, and funny accents to try to "trick" us. I was not as sweet.

First, I rigged the shower head to the right angle that would hit B in the face when he got in. I also set the water temperature to the coldest possible temp. I got him. This, however, was not completely original since he has used this one on me on April 1st, 2002-2005 and got me each time. I suppose the prank that would get him the most would be if I offered to make him a nutritious, yet delicious, completely balanced dinner. But, I don't think I could ever say that to him with a straight face.... so....nah! I had to think of something else of my own. So, I stole his car. I parked his jeep down the street adjacent to mine behind a large landscaping vehicle, out of eye shot. With that, I changed his radio station from the Sirius Howard Stern station to the Sirius Gay station (I couldn't find Oprah and Friends) at full volume. Finally, I left a note on the dashboard that read April Fool's and then I left to take the little one to school. I then waited for the phone call. It took a while and I wondered why. Did he call the police? Crap. Eventually, the call-- he told me that I got him for a second and then he figured it was me. The panic button on his remote helped him locate the car. Then came the warning....he went back home to take care of something. I was told to "watch your back, payback's a bitch." So far, I came home and as I opened the door with groceries in hand, at least a dozen paper towel rolls came crashing down on me. But the day is still young and I be a little scared!

"Maybe I was absent the day they taught the fruits and vegetables, but you clearly missed an entire semester of Home Ec!"
-B

Best In Show

This week, I have gotten rid of 1.6 pounds. Feeling good and appreciative of the comment about my jeans looking "at least one size too big". Thank you friend, you know who you are. It makes me happy considering that they were in the too tight to wear category very shortly after I purchased them. Although, I'm still a long way from slim, I am feeling less round these days.

Many of you may not know that I have grown to love the Westminster Dog Show that is televised each year in February. I enjoy naming all the breeds and being a part of all the pomp and circumstance of the dog show traditions as a spectator from the sofa. It didn't take long for me to realize that dog handlers tend to, for the mostpart, have a certain type of physique. That is of the very overweight variety. I started believing that I may fit in well with this crowd as my size continued to balloon, until I figured out that these people are absolutely insane (OK, maybe I would still fit in). But, since I can't properly train or handle my own dog, then maybe I would be ill-equipped at this too. One of my favorite "light and funny" movies is Best in Show. You can watch this film 30 times and catch something new and hilarious about the dog show world each time. Maybe it's only for those that enjoy the humor of Christopher Guest. Anyway, check it out if you wanna laugh and if you're a Dog Show geek, like me. If the weight loss keeps going in the right direction, I may not threaten myself with the dog handler career any more. Here's a quote from Best in Show:

"Look at Scott! He is prancing along with the dog! Man, I tell you something, if you live in my neighborhood and you're dressed like that, you'd better be a hotel doorman."
-Buck Laughlin

Just the Facts

This week I am down 1.8 pounds. I am experiencing some writer's block and can't seem to think of any entertaining topics or amusing stories to share. So, for now, it's just the facts ma'am, just the facts!

Happy 60th mom, I really miss you! I hope you'll enjoy Carvel cake somewhere and it better be calorie-free where you are.

"The remembrance of a beloved mother becomes a shadow to all our actions; it precedes or follows them."
-Unknown

Skinny Fake Out

I read an article about skinny fake outs motivating you. For instance, looking 5 pounds thinner by wearing Spanx will help you ACTUALLY lose 5 pounds. I just wore my Spanx to a Bat Mitzvah Saturday night. Believe me, I was asking a whole lot from my undergarments that evening and I'm not sure how people wear those contraptions daily. My family had a good laugh when I said that out loud. Note to self: Filter, Filter! The high waisted variety limits displacing the roll to a new location, but you still do feel like a sausage and sausage does not equate to skinny in my mind. I also never have the best aim when utilizing the crotch opening that is provided for your convenience. It always leaves me with an inconvenient feeling. I will have to think up some other skinny fake outs to help me keep moving forward.

This week I have chosen NOT to weigh in. I decided this right now. This morning I was running late again and skipped the scale to get ready, thinking I'll just do it tomorrow. I changed my mind. This is not because I am hiding from "bad behavior". In fact, just the opposite. I am feeling better in my clothing these days and have gotten a couple of compliments from the husband regarding my less full appearance. This gives me the motivation to continue on. I don't want a number on the scale to take that feeling away from me this week. It has never been my friend, just like with Mandi on the Biggest Loser last night.

An 8 pound reward will be claimed tomorrow-Yay!

Untitled

This week, I have shed .2 pounds...essentially I stayed the same. As I learned from BL, it is difficult to keep losing larger numbers after doing it for a couple weeks in a row. I won't get frustrated just yet. I feel successful in that I have not regained all of the weight lost due to the illness. I feel successful in that I didn't "go to town" despite being stuck here during Monday's snowstorm.

I am looking forward to the change in weather so I could be active outdoors again. Please remember, once the weather gets to be about 50 degrees or more, I am open to walking/ biking invitations and will gladly accept if I am asked. Sometimes it's easier to go through all of this with a friend.

"A friend is the one who knows us, but loves us anyway."
-Walter Winchell

Cashing In

This week I have shed 4 more pounds. This was not the result of any herculean effort but rather some divine intervention. Someone awarded me a 36 hour violent stomach bug following a week of consuming a very low calorie diet, following an entire month of illness in my family. Other than a few whole wheat crackers (thanks Kim) and some sips of chicken noodle soup (thanks Marni) I have not eaten any food since Sunday evening. It is Wednesday and I still don't have an appetite which is far more rare than an eclipse is. I wasn't even hungry at the supermarket...I know, insane!!!

I know I'm feeling better because I already have growing concerns about stomach virus weight loss being IMPOSSIBLE to maintain. In any event, it is off of my body for now and I will happily cash in my next rewards. It didn't feel like this day would come:

8- Ilona pottery activity-(scheduling in progress)
9- Lauren babysitting
10-Shani 10 Gerbera daisies hand delivered by her
11-Rachel movie of my choice
12-Aunt Michelle spa treatment with babysitting

"No way Jose!"
-Gabe, age 3, said to Latino male supermarket cashier at Fairway

In the Game

As our family is slowly approaching wellness again, my mood is slowly lifting, and thankfully, some weight is dropping. This week I have gotten rid of 4.2 pounds. I say "gotten rid of" instead of "lost" for fear that some kind soul out there will find those pounds and return them to me, knowing that they were lost. Obviously, I do not want them back.

After calculating, and re-calculating, it is my belief that after all the ups, downs, and stay-the-sames, my total prior to this was 4.4 pounds off. Therefore, my new total is 8.6 pounds. This FINALLY puts me back in "the game". I am eligible to claim my 8 pound reward from Ilona. I hope this happens quickly before any bloat sets in! This reward involves pottery. I will keep you posted.

"Complaining about dieting and exercise burns off extra calories"
-Daniel L. Worone

Sick part II

Hi there. I did weigh in yesterday and gained two pounds. I walked a little yesterday outside and that was my first exercise in quite a while. It knocked me out in such a big way, though, and I thought I was really out of shape again. I had to get back in bed for the afternoon. By evening, I had a fever. This morning, my little guy also had a fever and after taking him back to the dr......, he has the "official flu".

This next week will be all about re-working my program here and shifting gears yet again, because what I have been doing since August is obviously not working. Again, I thank you all for the continued support and encouragement....I REALLY do appreciate it.

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
-Einstein

Lather the Fat

This morning I woke up pretty late; late enough to leave the house with sopping wet hair in twenty degree temperature; late enough to not even think about getting on the scale-its good that I'm not obsessed, I guess. By the time I returned home it was two in the afternoon; late enough to not get on the scale. "Whew, I was saved", I thought. "I'll just weigh in tomorrow morning" like I have done lots of times over the past months.

When I finally returned home again with the kids after 6 and with no real dinner plan (Big Red Flag for me), I started grazing, picking, shoveling in anything I could get my hands on. Husband, aka the Food Nazi, wasn't home. Uh oh, I needed to use a lifeline, so I chose Phone A Friend. The friend, after knowing me for a lifetime, immediately detected my unsettled tone in between munches. She rapidly fired the questions: Where is B? Not home. Where are the boys? Upstairs getting changed. Where are you? Downstairs. Then came the instructions/advice: "OK, immediately go upstairs and brush your teeth. Chewing that Extra sugar free gum doesn't help." (She must have somehow forgotten that as part of my complex neuroses that I DO NOT chew gum....PERIOD! This is a result of years of recurrent nightmares involving gum getting stuck to my fillings and me never being able to pull the gum free from my big mouth. Ultimately, I choke. Shivers run up and down my spine when I see some of the preschool moms chewing like cows and making those loud gum smacking sounds. This however, could be a topic for a separate posting, I suppose.)

She continued..."brush your teeth immediately, get upstairs then brush your teeth then go do something different like taking a warm shower." I said: "taking a shower is NOT something DIFFERENT for me, I do it every day!" (again, dear friend was a bit off tonight and must have forgotten that I am now a rehabilitated OVERSHOWERER and EXCESSIVEHAIRWASHER. Many of you old timers know that I had a showering several times a day year round problem. Despite what it sounds like....I assure you I do not have OCD.) She said "I know, but go take a shower and lather up....feel your soapy hands running up and down the fat, lather the fat!" "OK, I don't want to feel the fat", I yelled. "Exactly" she said. "It will motivate you" she continued. I answered "The Biggest Loser motivates me and I didn't get to see it last night, so I'm gonna let the boys watch TV in my room and start watching it now" She told me that a contestant reminded her of me. She went home for 30 days and only lost 2 pounds! We then ended our conversation and she once again reminded me to go lather my fat. I was so enraged and disgusted by the suggestion of "lather your fat" that I couldn't concentrate on watching my show. Instead I got pissed off and ran to the computer to start this rant of a blog. So, I stopped snacking and am away from the kitchen but I won't lather the fat. Thanks dear friend, thanks a lot. I'm not weighing in tomorrow.

"Someone saved my life tonight. So save your strength and run the field you play alone."
-Elton John

Gung Hay Fat Choy

So, this week I lost .2 lbs. There was no dieting, there was no exercising. I'm still not feeling very well yet and much to my surprise my appetite is not as insatiable as usual. Also, got my friend (foe) today again. Definitely, this contributed to my feelings of yuck and "thickness" these past few days. My accomplishment this week was that I avoided General Tso at the Chinese New Year Party and opted for the brown rice and some other chicken and broccoli offering. Instead of heavy deserts, I shoved a couple of clementines in my face. This was all fine and didn't take much effort.

Now that I was successful at avoiding General Tso, I suppose I need to buck up and contact Mr. Tso-a long lost friend who has been desperately Facebooking in search of......me. This friend and me never had a falling out, we simply just lost touch. He has given some of you messages with his contact information to pass along to me and has tried to solicit mine. Although I am not on Facebook myself, I am still somehow affected by all that the gossip and information that I'm told.

Lastly, I like this season of The Biggest Loser better than the last, so far. I look forward to it re-motivating me each week. I kinda miss exercising and feeling good after I do it. Hope I can get back to it this week.

"Gung Hay Fat Choy"
-said on the Chinese New Year, translation: May prosperity be with you

Sick

Hi. Lost 1 pound....not for exceptionally good behavior....but because I had a fever yesterday and sweated it out in the middle of the night. Also, because it was an extremely rare occasion and I got in bed at 6:30 last night and emerged at 7:15 this morning, so.....I never ate dinner. Going back to bed now.

"Never eat more than you can lift."
-Miss Piggy

Diet History

Do Diets Work? Thought I'd share my history in close to accurate chronological order starting in 1984 (25 years ago)! In 1984, I had my most successful weight loss of 22 pounds during the summer between seventh and eighth grades. I remember my first day of school outfit: an acid washed, two toned designer denim disaster in a size 3/4. I probably wore the same outfit to go see Purple Rain with my BFFs, at the time. I remained a size 3/4 until the second week of that same school year.

If I repeat something that simply means I tried it more than once. This does not include countless diet plans that filled the pages of health magazines, rag magazines, and newspapers:

Ideal Weight, Weight Watchers, Scarsdale Diet, Grapefruit Diet, Marajuana Diet (thought fewer calories than beer but didn't account for the munchies), Weight Watchers, SlimFast, Cabbage Soup Diet, Atkins, Hollywood Diet (chased by bees while drinking this nectar-like substance), Jenny Craig, Metabolife, Metabolift (resulted in embarrassing ER visit), Cabbage Soup Diet, Atkins, Weight Watchers, other people's Nutritionist's diets, Shani's "Eat only When Hungry" diet, Health Store brand liquid diet, Scarsdale Diet, Atkins Diet, South Beach Diet, cutting out dairy on my own diet, Health Store Detoxification Diet, NutriSystem (swelled to a balloon from excessive amounts of sodium), Curves Diet Plan, Special K challenge, Cabbage Soup Diet (the final time- B refused to flush the entire vat of soup down the toilet for me EVER AGAIN),Weight Watchers, Jared's Subway diet (lasted five days), my own Nutritionist's Diet Plan, Zone Diet, colon cleansing diet, "I'm gonna be a vegetarian for three days diet", Acupuncturist's Diet Plan (another abandonment of dairy), Bikini Fit Detoxification and Diet Plan, South Beach Diet, Flat Belly Diet, DineWise home food delivery diet, Sparkpeople.com diet plan, "I'm not gonna diet and just shut my mouth diet".......and counting.

This week I lost .2 lbs. I hope to claim an eight pound reward soon.

"Mmm, this is good, I think that we like it because it's cold."
-Stacey Goldstein on Jandelle's frozen yogurt

Wii Fit

On January 1st I decided to open my brand new Wii Fit that Lauren gave me for Hanukkah. If you already have a Wii console set up, it's quite easy to get started. After inserting batteries and such you just follow the prompts on screen using your Wii remote. My family already has Mii characters created that are "cartoon" figures that resemble us. You start by selecting your "Mii", you stand on the balance board and you undergo a series of tests that analyze your BMI, your Biological Age, your weight, etc. You are required to enter your height and birthdate. I began this task in front of my immediate family as spectators from the sofa. Luckily, the Wii asks if you would like to create a secret password so that others can't view your stats. Of course, I created one. Being my first time at it, I was fearful that my weight would be glaring across the screen for all to see. My husband has NEVER known my weight and if I suddenly were to go missing, I would be sure that the police could never find me because my husband could not provide them with this information. I think he knows my eye color....I think. The guys were constantly asked to leave the room each time I thought the weight would appear. I soon found out that you have to select a "Weight" tab to view the numbers so it never actually sneaks up to shock you. I went back later that evening to view those results privately. What it does reveal to all, however, is your BMI and the category that you fit in. All of a sudden, a little electronic voice announced OVERWEIGHT as I stood on the scale-like device and worse yet, my Mii character widened and became rather fat. My entire family engaged in a knee-slapping laugh at my expense. What else is new?

Next, B set up his Mii and was also analyzed. Much to my delight, his BMI was about the same as mine and his Mii grew just as round as mine did. His biological age was 50, as opposed to mine which was 35. I believe that the balance portion is what skewed his score as our BMI and "overweight" status was similar. After I laughed back with revenge and a "HA" we explored the fitness options. You can select from Yoga, Aerobics, Strength Training, and Balance catergories. Each category has about 3 or 4 activities or exercises to start. You accumulate fitness points and minutes the more you use it and then additional activities become accessible. I enjoyed yoga, hula hooping and running through a virtual park, as well as good old fashioned sit ups and lunges. B did some skiing, ski jumping, soccer, and walking the tightrope. The kids enjoyed some of the activities too. All in all a fun time.

I have used it every day since, except for 1/2, as we had company, but that day we were still showing our guests how it worked without "logging" in as ourselves. B used it only one time. On 1/4, I decided to repeat my Body Test for tracking and progress. This time, I was completely alone and was able to hit the "Weight" tab. Hmmm, I lost 1.8 pounds. I immediately ran upstairs, still partially disrobed and hopped on my own scale for confirmation-Same!!! The Wii then complements you with motivational jargon like "Good job" and "Keep it up"! The system recommended a 6 pound weight loss for the both of us to be achieved by 1/31. This was a good start even though it was only 3 days and mostly water weight. Instead of calling him at work to gloat, I waited for B to come home and encouraged him to change to lighter clothing and repeat HIS body test to help his motivation. And that.... is when it happened! My memory is a little foggy, and mind you, I'm paraphrasing here, but these are the events as I recall them in my memory: He got his Mii logged on, stepped on the balance board/scale and then the screen read ALERT, ALERT, you have exceeded your weight loss goal, you must reset your goal, YOU HAVE LOST 6.2 pounds! Then his Mii proceeded to do one of the pompous dances that you often see linebackers doing following a touchdown. "You fucker", I thought and "YOU FUCKER" is what I said. "I've been doing this everyday and going to the gym, I know you haven't, so what have you been doing to lose 6.2lbs?" After his smug smile, he retreated quickly with, "well, my clothing is lighter than 3 days ago". My response was, "the machine accounts for that". He then told me that on Friday, two days earlier, he opted for a salad for lunch instead of Chinese take-out and when he took the boys to the diner for lunch on Sunday, he took off one half of his cheeseburger bun! Again, I thought, "YOU FUCKER." I know he felt badly even though he still had the smug look.

The next day, back on the saddle or balance board again! I bucked up and began my Wii workout (and went to the gym). B was at work and the kids, finally back at school. I decided to wait a few days til Wednesday to repeat the body test again. My Wii fit greeted with me with a "Good morning, glad to see you working out." Just as I thought this machine could be rather pleasant, it happened again! The g_d damn machine said: "Did you see B today, doesn't he look good?". "Please select one of the following: Does B look a)lighter, b)toner, c)heavier, d)wider." What? I thought. I'm logged on with my Mii, right? Then it said, it would be a nice if I told B how well he is doing and how good he is looking" What??? You godda be kidding me! I could not proceed with my workout just yet. I phoned him at work and said "Listen, fucker" told him the story and hung up on the fucker.

Last night, he decided to repeat his body test. He lost another two pounds. I think this machine is gonna hold a parade in his honor. Although, I did my workout, I didn't repeat the body test for 3 reasons: a) he could not see my weight, b) it was the evening-never weigh in at night and c) i needed to wait til Wednesday morning, my usual. Still, he had lost 8.2 pounds since New Year's Day-Fucker!!!!!!!!!! This morning I woke up, went to the bathroom, put on leggings and a tank (the lightest I could find) ran downstairs, turned on the TV, turned on the Wii, repeated my body test and guess what, my Mii looked happy and was doing a double fist pump. It said that I lost another 3.2 pounds. I double and triple checked then ran up to the scale which indicated I lost another 3.0 pounds. I'm taking liberty here and am glady accepting the Wii's results for a 5 pound weight loss. So what if a lot of it was just bloat, I'm taking it!

"My goal isn't to be thin. My goal is for my body to be the weight it can hold-to be strong and healthy and fit, to be itself."
-Oprah